I have been losing followers left and right. I’m sorry if this has become a “sad” space, but I believe in writing about what you’re feeling.
I went up to the hospital to spend some time with my dad before they move him to hospice care tomorrow. He was the most alert that I’ve seen him in a week.
But rather than getting to spend time talking to him, I was blindsided by my mother. I understand that every one deals with grief in a different way…
I was called selfish, manipulative, and a bad mother. I was told that going to Australia would traumatize my child and leave him with intense feelings of abandonment. I was also told that she would no longer be able to care for him, effective immediately.
My mom and I do not usually see eye to eye, but I have been respectful of her during this whole process. Some of the things that she said today cannot be forgiven. She already told me I was horrible, so I guess maybe that means I am.
1) Veggie bagel sandwich at the Farmer’s Market.
2) A small bird painting on the wall of an artists commune.
3) Enjoying coffee across the street from the market with Keira and the hubs.
4) Little Mister packing away a plate of fruit at a wedding reception.
5) After 21 years together Dale (nowforthefunpart) and Joe got married!
6) There should be a photo of my watch here with stats from an easy 6 mile run. Because of the stuff with my dad, I’m having a hard time finding any motivation to run.
I’m just going to preface this by saying, if you’re only here for the running posts, then keep scrolling. This one is going to be ugly and messy…
My dad is still in the ICU. His condition has not improved. After another CT scan today, the doctors recommended a second craniotomy to relieve fluid that is building up on his brain.
He has chosen not to have any additional procedures. He has also asked for no extreme measure. No resuscitation, no machines, no restarting his heart. He was lucid enough to make his wishes crystal clear.
I know in my heart that he has made the right decision, but it doesn’t make it any easier. So now they try to make him as comfortable as possible. They tell us that he will just get sleepier and sleepier until he doesn’t wake up. At some point his brain will begin to hemorrhage.
They way he looks at me physically hurts. He looks at me with so much love. He looks at me like he’s trying to memorize my face. He looks at me like it’s the last time he will ever see me.
I am a mess. I can barely keep it together for more than a few minutes at a time. I just keep wondering if he is scared. I also wonder who it is harder on, the person who is leaving, or the ones who are left behind?
I appreciate all the support I have received here. Please don’t be offended if I haven’t responded to you. It all feels a little overwhelming at the moment.
1) I rocked an excellent top knot at yoga tonight. Please enjoy.
2) I’m starting to feel the effects of cumulative fatigue. My legs are a little achey. Legs up the wall pose tonight at yoga made me feel a lot better.
3) many of you have asked about my dad. Thank you. I’ve been meaning to write an update, but just haven’t gotten around to it. He survived the surgery. He is lucid and in a lot of pain. They found what appeared to be a tumor under his skull. We won’t have pathology reports until next week. Not sure how long he’ll be in the hospital, but he will definitely need transitional care after the hospital. He has moved beyond what my mom can take care of.
4) I’m going to Scottsdale next week for work. I’m looking forward to the trip, but I’m a little worried I won’t be able to get all of my running in. I’m also hoping I’ll have enough free time to do a little hiking while I’m there.
TC10 Mile W8D2
Warm, 6x800 w/400 recovery, cool
Target pace: 4:45
This one was a struggle more so mentally than physically. The intervals didn’t feel hard while I was running them, but I found myself wanting to quit after each one.
The good news is, I didn’t quit, I hit all of my splits and I’m headed to yoga to stretch out my very tight hamstrings, glutes and hips.
TC 10 Mile WK7D6
After 7 hours at the hospital yesterday, I was exhausted mentally and physically. So I made the executive decision not to run.
I did my long 10 mile run today. I don’t want to deviate from my schedule, but sometimes you don’t have another option. If I feel ok, I will skip my rest day this week to get back on track.
I should be a work right now. Finishing up my shift and getting mentally prepared for my 10 mile long run.
Instead I am sitting in a hospital waiting room. My dad was rushed to the ER at 2 am. It appears that he may have had some sort of stroke yesterday.
He has weakness on his left side, slurred speech and a CAT scan revealed a large hemorrhage on the right side of his brain.
They had to give him three bags of platelets before they could even start. Currently they are doing a craniotomy to relieve some of the pressure. If he survivors the surgery, he will be on a ventilator while his brain heals.
I’m going to be honest. We’re not very optimistic. His body has been on a sharp decline for a few weeks now. I’ve accepted that we have most likely reached the end, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I want to take a moment to say thank you to this community. I have made some really amazing friends here. The first people that reached out via text were friends that I met through this blog ❤️ I love you guys.
AS the race sold out in minutes, they’ve now included a virtual option. It’s available for only the next seven (7) days.
note to self.
OH. I want that medal! So very tempted.
I already registered. I’m planning on running it in Melbourne, Australia with katiegirlchasesinfinity in September.
TC10 Mile WK7D6
Target pace: 12:05
Actual pace 12:02
I actually felt like I could just keep going after I finished my 6. That’s good news since I have to run 10 tomorrow.
The hubby and I both work, so the earliest I’ll be able to start is 6pm. Not really ideal, but I don’t have another option.
TC10 mile WK7D3
This one felt good. Nice and easy. The husband greeted me with a root beer float on the deck when I was done. I cannot remember the last time I had one of those. So good.
Five Facts About Me
Tagged by katiegirlchasesinfinity.
When I was 5 I stepped on a toothpick. We didn’t know it, but half of it broke off inside my foot. For the next year I was treated for juvenile arthritis. I would have “hot flashes” in my foot and intense pain. One day I saw something sticking out of my heel so I pulled on it. It was the toothpick. It went in my big toe and came out my heel. I was hospitalized for weeks with a staph infection. My foot stopped growing for that year. At one point it was a size and a half smaller than my left foot. Now it’s less than half a size smaller.
My dad is the youngest of 11 siblings. I am the youngest of all the grandchildren. I have first cousins that are old enough to be my parents and second cousins that are ten plus years older than me.
I have always been an incredibly light sleeper. Everything wakes me up. Lights, noises, the cats nails on the hardwood floor. It’s a good thing I didn’t marry someone who snores incessantly (insert sarcastic font here).
Scents that I absolutely love: vanilla, gasoline, campfire, my sons hair after a bath, leaves on a crisp fall day, apple cider with cinnamon.
If money were no object, I would travel constantly. There are so many places in the world that I want to visit and explore. I consider travel to be essential. How can you know what it is to be human if you always stay rooted in one place?
I feel like everyone’s already done this, so tag-yo selves.
I was tagged by Almondsofjoy to put up 6 photos of myself where I feel beautiful.
I chose these photos because I think they convey strength rather than beauty. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am an athlete. I am a woman. I am a good friend. And that is what makes me beautiful on the inside.
Beauty on the inside=confidence on the outside.
TC10 Mile WK7D2
Speed 8x600 w/400 recovery
I was too tired last night after my run to upload the data. Most of my splits were 4-6 seconds slower than they should have been. I also discovered during this run that I still hate speedwork. I know it’s essential, but I just don’t like it. Today is my one rest day of the week so that means yoga!!!!
TC10 mile Wk7D1
Target pace: 12:05-12:55
Actual pace: 11:57
I am still working on slowing ,myself down during my easy runs. It just feels so slow. I know I will feel differently about it in a few weeks when my legs are completely dead.
You should probably be a little jealous of my dinner. It was delicious. Fish taco bowls. Tilapia rubbed with cayenne, cumin, chili powder, salt and pepper on top of brown rice, black beans, red bell pepper, red onion and corn. Garnished with avocado, lime juice and cilantro.